(Antares Audio Technologies, 2009)
Antares Announces Direct Mind Access
New “Mind-To-Mac” Technology Eases the Burden of Developing Musical Skill
(Scotts Valley, CA, April 1, 2009) — Antares Audio Technologies has today announced their intent to start thinking about the possible development of their revolutionary new Direct Mind Access (DMA™) musical composition technology. Designed to free would-be composers, songwriters, musicians, and drummers from the tedious study and practice that have traditionally been required for the development of musical skill, DMA technology will allow anyone (see NOTE below) to transfer the music (or voices) they hear in their head directly to any DMA-compliant DAW.
Think And Make It So
Based on groundbreaking neurocognitive research that Antares’ Dr. Andy is planning to start “any day now,” Direct Mind Access will free users from complicated, annoying user interfaces by allowing them to simply think about the music they’d like to create and have it instantly and seamlessly appear in their DAW. Using DMA’s Cognitive Realtime Audio Processor, not only will DMA eliminate the need for talent, but the need for musicians and vocalists as well. For the first time in the history of audio technology marketing, the claim that “The only limit is your imagination!” will actually be true.
NOTE: DMA will require the cranial implantation of the Cognitive Realtime Audio Processor (CRAP) along with a micro-Bluetooth communication unit. It is expected that implantation will be available as an outpatient procedure at most metropolitan neurosurgical facilities. Users should be in relatively good health and of at least average intelligence. It should be noted that when paired to a DMA-compliant DAW, Direct Mind Access will manifest any of the user’s thoughts, whether music-oriented or not. Consequently, the ability to concentrate solely on the desired music is critically important. (DMA and porn do not mix!)
Innovative Copy Protection
To ease the frustration of burdensome copy-protection schemes, DMA will utilize the convenient iLobe™ USB Really, Really Smart Key. Requiring only the implantation of a simple cranial USB port (which can be installed at the same time as the CRAP and Bluetooth transmitter), the iLobe allows you to take your DMA technology wherever you go. And for users with multiple personalities, the iLobe ensures that your DMA capability is available to all your personalities, regardless of which one is currently in control.
The Obligatory Marketing Spin
“Auto-Tune has often been accused of eliminating the need for vocal talent (along with being a harbinger of The Apocalypse),” said Marco Alpert, Antares VP of Marketing. “But in reality, that’s simply not the case. A crappy singer with Auto-Tune is still a crappy singer, just in tune. It doesn’t directly address the soul-crushing discrimination that is suffered daily by millions of talentless would-be musicians around the world. But DMA will change all that. No longer will you have to put up with the elitist attitude that it takes years of boring practice and study to get access to high-quality drugs, hot groupies, and expensive hotel rooms to trash. Whether your inspiration is the 1910 Fruitgum Company or the virtual post-metal of Deathmøle, DMA will ensure that even a total and utter lack of talent will never hold you back. And isn’t that what America is all about?”
Direct Mind Access will probably be available someday. (Unless it won’t.)
Upon the release of the first product incorporating DMA, free upgrades will be available to all registered owners of Antares’ kantos 1.0, Spectral Shaping Tool (SST), and Infinity Looping Tools.
Special reduced upgrade prices will be available to owners of all other Antares products, as well as registered owners of an alphaSyntauri, Ghouls ‘n Ghosts (Sega Genesis version only), or a Studebaker Avanti.
– The Whole Antares Crew
Like Ferrucio Busoni’s Marvelous Invention, Antares’ Direct Mind Access technology originated as an April Fool’s joke. It not only exploits the topic of brain-computer interfaces that seem poised, in the twenty-first century, to leap from science fiction and research labs into daily reality; it also plays upon common perceptions of auto-tune — Antares’s star product — as a technology that does away with the need for musical skill. Indeed, the rhetoric about making musical expression available to all, without arduous practice or prior knowledge, rings familiar from over a century of advertising copy, from player pianos to mobile phone apps. Combining these themes makes for a believable new technological offering — one we might not rule out seeing in the future.
Text and Image: Antares Audio Technologies; see also Antares’s April 1st, 2013 edition: Auto-Beat Real-Time Temporal Modulation Technology